familiar but strange

stuff overheard on the train today, from youngsters who are probably still in school:

“I think it’s our culture lor. Every time we must do something, do something, you can’t be doing nothing at all, you know what I mean?”

“My parents always try to control what I want to do. Look at America, the reason why they’re like that is because their parents let them do anything they want. Every time don’t let me go out, ask me when I’m coming home. I’m sixteen already, why can’t they just let me do anything I want to do?”

So busy watching, observing, thinking, feeling, smelling, everything for the past few days my head is in a complete whirl and it’s almost impossible to sit down and get everything in my mind sorted out. In my absence things have changed and stayed the same, I have changed but stayed the same. The first thing that hit me when I got out of the airport was the humidity – after that, the smells, I never realised that so many places have such a distinctive smell and especially in Singapore everything has such a strong, distinctive scent: all the various savoury fumes of the hawker centres, food stalls in the basement of shopping malls, etc etc.

paradise

I am sorry and I promise I will make things better after this.

Scarborough with the girls here was perfect; it was everything I could ask for in a day trip to end the school year in York. We have such beautiful dynamics, the town is gorgeous and reminded me of places that I have dreamt about, I had great deep conversations and I was just really reflective throughout the whole travelling period, summing up the year here, thinking how I have grown, being grateful for everyone around me who has nurtured me into who I am now.

When we returned to York we lit up the sky lantern that we got at the pound shop in Scarborough. We drew loads of retarded shit on the lantern on top of our wishes; it was lovely seeing it float away after a few attempts. I made the corny remark that it felt like we were in a movie; what can I say, it really felt like a great ending to an apprehensive, exciting narrative, and everyone was so happy, so content. I am looking forward to returning home, but I think I will really miss York even though I’ll only be away for merely a year.

You people here are like family; I love all of you, overflowingly ❤

the most beautiful moment

so there we were in a friendly nondescript grill restaurant in the middle of the city centre, stammering blubbering tears spilling all over and at the back of my mind I was hoping that the eyeliner that I had so tediously applied in the morning wasn’t going to run and make me look like a zombie, but that was only at the back of my mind, a small tiny corner and the rest of it it was consumed with the image of you in my eyes and it was as if I had known you since I was forever, we are different but the same, I am merely striking twenty but remembering everything makes me feel like I am young and lost all over again, and you were lost and I was lost too but now we have found each other and everything is going to be all right. the weight of the years, the weight of stories and people, the growing and turning tide of time and now we are all grown up and ready to take on this world. after that we tried to shovel down chunky fries, a massive burger, and a warm brownie all the while trying to expel the accumulated snot into napkins that we politely asked from the waiter. thank you for being you. I could never have asked for anything more.

“the moment when grief became a window, and I saw what I couldn’t see before.”

-Andrea Gibson

days in a box

Packing suddenly feels like such a symbolic process…re-consolidating bits and pieces from everything that you’ve journeyed through for the whole of the first year, remembering certain nights, certain key events that transformed your view of things, bringing important aspects that you would want to treasure back to home, a place that you have not seen in a while but have always been dreaming of for quite some time now.

Again, I’m so grateful: all the Yorkies here, coursemates, flatmates, project mates, people who have come to take the place of a surrogate family while I am making my own way here. At times I have regretted, doubted and wondered, but now I can experience these thoughts and treasure the taste of this feeling: that the choices I’ve made were all right in their own way, that I can now look back at a beautiful past, not because everything was smooth-sailing and exhilarating, but because everything that had taken place in the past had made me into who I am today. Nostalgia does romanticize things, but I don’t think it’s necessarily bad, and it’s because of this transformative process of looking back that makes it beautiful.

every teardrop is a waterfall

Thoughts that mix with dreams and leave you confused in the morning are rather frightening.

I love the whirl of lights, music, confetti, dancing; it makes me find myself again. First Coldplay concert in Manchester I had such a hell of a weekend (:

Can’t wait for Thursday to come; then I can be completely done with the rest of the academic year, and see bug when she comes up to York 😀

sustaining

Looking back and still trying to reconcile myself with life.
I will miss the independence, the anonymity.

I’m glad you’re here, to understand (:

bittersweet between your teeth

sitting at my desk after a day of work and project meetings waiting for my hair to dry.

It’s a really nondescript kind of existence that I’m describing here but right now I am utterly content (: Had a really good 20th and I think for the first time I can truly appreciate the weight of getting older, and the conscious realisation that I’ve learnt and changed a lot over an entire year. One year ago I was on the plane back from Taiwan with Honghwee and Minglee, having a lot of fun even for just that few hours of a journey, a year later and I am here, cards adorning the table and being surrounded by loads of new people I love and appreciate. What will next year bring? It’s a question that is interspersed with a quick thrill of excitement; I think I am genuinely looking forward to the future now.

gleaming new

Friday has become one of those days that I can fully savour this term; on Friday I have nothing on and I can look forward to the endless stretching out of hours when I wake up in the morning; on Friday the kitchen is gleaming new after the weekly clean. Yesterday was another Friday that stood out in the sea of memories this summer; nothing particularly interesting, but a year ago I would never have imagined that I could be talking about the city with people who actually comprehend what I was trying to express, the back-and-forth of ideas and the sense of purposefulness. I’ve learnt a few things about strength this term  – I used to wish I could be one of those people who confront the world in its face and devour everything that comes into their way, but strength can be understated, a continual presence under a diminutive demeanour, shiny steel after peeling back fragile petals. I am brand new now, and I can thank you, and you, and you for that. ❤

you won’t let me

I hardly ever re-post lyrics, but I love Rachael Yamagata’s song too much to let it go.
Exams are over and done with and now all I’ve got are the presentations for topic modules and we’ll be done…:D Getting slightly worried about my schedule but I think things have been looking up from our meetings so far, and hopefully next week will actually be enjoyable.

So Sergey’s gone back home and in another month’s time I’ll be finding myself in Singapore ready to start work again. It’ll feel so surreal…just got my travel details finalised, such a heady sense of anticipation. Already making plans for Corrine May with some of my dearest dreamcatchers ❤ First weekend will be packed!

So, Yamagata. I think this can apply to so many people around me that I care about, and maybe some people in the past that I’ve tried to reach out to, but ended up failing to. And on a more basic level I guess it applies to everyone around us…united in our common vulnerability, yet refusing to let our defences down until we trust in someone enough to let them know the real us.